Truth is

Some people have asked me how I’m doing after my dad passed. Truthfully, I miss him deeply. I still can’t believe he’s gone. But just like life, death also just is. We didn’t bring ourselves here, and we don’t get to choose when it’s time to go.

They say writing is therapeutic. But I’m realizing I write better when I’m broken. When I’m messed up. I don’t think AI is built for heart and art. It’s great for logic — banking, coding — but not for baring your soul. That’s sacred space.

Lately, I’ve felt numb. Not depressed. Not suicidal. Just… awake. Like God is waking me up to what I’ve avoided — what I’ve watered down to please people. I’ve been like a giant elephant tied to a tiny peg — swinging back and forth, lulled into thinking I can’t break free.

But I can.

And I must.

I’m tired of playing church.

Tired of checking boxes.

I just want to cry out to God in the dark. Quietly. Honestly. Like I used to.

I don’t know where that place went — that holy space of true worship. It feels like even that has become automated. A different kind of AI. And I truly believe automation doesn’t belong in two places: the heart and worship.

Truth is, my dad’s affairs are still a mess. My life feels like it’s crumbling. And I’ve kept it all hidden, waiting until it’s too late to ask for help — because I’m strangely wired to thrive in chaos. Maybe it makes me feel heroic when God rescues me from the disaster I created from my own stupidity or in my own religious mindset give me credence to say God still lives me he does not let me drown in my own bad decisions.

I’m not okay, but I’m still here. I still love God. I still trust Him. I just can’t pretend anymore. I’m not a musician. I’m not a performer. I’m a worshiper. And I know now, more than ever, that music isn’t worship. And worship was never about the music.

It’s about surrender.

And I’m trying to get back there. The moment I start to surrender theres a line telling me it’s all wrong. All willing to point fingers to the music. 

So if I seem quiet. Different. Reserved or bombastic and outspoken at times I’m trying to figure all this all out and I am real and honest to share with you just how I am feeling.

Lights Camera, Worship!

 Worship and Performance. Filling the Church or the Kingdom?

This is going to be an uncomfortable conversation, but I’m not here to make you comfortable. I’m here to ask a question that has been burning in my spirit for a while now—is what we call worship really about God, or is it about putting on a show?

I’ve been in church long enough to see the shift. I remember when worship was about broken people pouring out their hearts before God, not about perfect vocals, the right lighting, and a seamless flow of emotional highs and lows to make sure people “experience” something. When did we trade the anointing for atmosphere? When did we decide that the Holy Spirit needs a stage production to move?

Worship or Concert?

I’ve been in services where the worship team looked more like a band playing for an audience rather than a people leading others into the presence of God. Fog machines, LED panels, click tracks, and timed cues. And I get it—excellence is important. God deserves our best. But if you take all of that away, is there still worship? Or does the power disappear when the lights go up and the sound system goes down?

The biggest red flag? The focus has shifted from participation to observation. The people aren’t worshiping—they’re watching. We call them a “congregation,” but we treat them like an audience. We even design the service flow to make sure it’s “engaging.” We don’t want them to lose interest.

But interest in what? In God? Or in the performance?

Filling Seats or Saving Souls?

Let’s talk about numbers, because that’s the obsession now. How many people are in the seats? How many views did the livestream get? How many followers does the church’s Instagram have? But here’s the real question: How many hearts were actually changed? How many people walked in lost and walked out transformed?

You can have a packed house and an empty altar. You can have thousands in attendance and zero in the Kingdom. Because when the goal is to build a brand instead of building disciples, you get a following, not a revival.

The enemy isn’t afraid of a big church. He’s afraid of a praying church. He’s afraid of a church that doesn’t need perfect conditions to call on the name of Jesus. The devil isn’t intimidated by a setlist, but he trembles at the sound of a real worshiper who doesn’t need music to lift up the name of God.

The Idol of Worship

Here’s the hard truth—we have turned worship itself into an idol. We have become so fixated on the way worship looks and feels that we forget WHO worship is for. We measure success by how “powerful” a worship set was, as if God’s presence is determined by how emotionally moved we were.

Can I tell you something? Emotion is not the same as anointing. Just because something gave you goosebumps doesn’t mean it carried the weight of heaven.

Some of the most powerful worship I’ve ever experienced didn’t have a band. It didn’t have a stage. It was people crying out to God with no concern for how they looked or sounded, no countdown clock telling them when to stop, no need to hype up a response. It was real. It was raw. It was worship.

The Real Battle

At the end of the day, the battle isn’t about church growth—it’s about the Kingdom. The devil doesn’t care if churches get bigger as long as they stay powerless. He doesn’t care if worship teams get better as long as worship stays hollow.

So here’s my challenge:
🔥 Strip it all away. Take away the production. Take away the lights. Take away the stage. Would people still worship? Would YOU still worship?
🔥 Stop chasing moments—chase God. His presence doesn’t need theatrics. It needs hearts that are truly after Him.
🔥 Decide what you’re building. A church? A brand? A movement? Or the Kingdom of God?

Because at the end of the day, filling a room means nothing if heaven is still empty.

My Wound Heal

My Wounds Heal by James Bobik Jr.

Say it again.

My Wounds Heal

Everyone says we're made in the image of God. Odd. Right seems strange when you look at your actions that you might by grace be created with his face?

I challenge you to think how much pain you have been through and how much pain you have caused others. It's okay. Be truthful

Truly the truth heals. You'll find soon enough to have a mouthful.

Dig up the gutters. It will soon overflow.

The beautiful part of this. Is this. Your wounds heal. My Wounds Heal. No matter how you feel. If you get past the anguish and the joy that the devil steals. Your wounds heal.

So might you not believe that it's beautiful still? That your pain and trials are only for you to feel? Untrue lie of the enemy. Grace abounds STILL.

Surely your telling me you have a scripture for that. I'm past that. It's become real and I am no longer getting fat on religion and platitudes and fake appeal. It more about conviction and attitudes. Grace and Gratitude and love for those seeking still.

See this grace is unlike any other.

Trust me The Religious called it a disgrace even called it a scandal. Too much to handle it's ok? It works either way. Because it has nothing to do with you. It's not yours to handle anyway. Just don't turn away. Keep your eyes fixed on him. Jesus Christ is freedom from pain, tears and sin and the grave.

YOUR WOUNDS AND MY WOUNDS HEAL.

Still don't believe me still?

WAKE UP CALL

IN AWE

There is something magnificent about a country coming together with as tainted as the world and even at times our governmental leaders have made it to join together to celebrate this countries independence. Whatever your view you will soon realize just how independent we are or should I say how independent we were.  A little more on that later.

As I know the direction of this great nation many are in fear in going to a deep and dark place and though many may be correct It is important to keep this understanding that God's Government is what counts.

IS 9:6 (NIV)
For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince
of Peace.

WORTHY OF ALL PRAISE

Is it not worthy of all praise that he is not only reigns over government but that government itself finds its foundation in him.  God is true government.   But also that masterful  God is also our counselor, our Awesome God, our Father forever and our Prince of Peace? our friend.

Let me implore a few things as the sound of fireworks, crackles, the drink from the night before is making it's way back out of your head and you are slowing shrinking back into your weekly grind.
In all its glamor all that we so adore. The light, that sparkles before us Independence and unity.  Of what we have of it left let us think about this. Where would this great nation be without god?

As slowly the country is setting the things of God aside slowly the things of Independence, of Unity of peace will be fleeting will this great nation begin to turn back to what its source is?  If you light a firework all that sparkles is the wick but the source is really the explosive. The gun powder.  Is all that we cherish and relish about this nation merely the fizzle of the wick as we slowly say there is no power in God anymore.  That God was a fad for this great nation and the only time we will need to call on him once more is when our people are attacked, buildings are collapsed and we cry "God help Us"
yet we simply move forward in our ways that do no admonish him and in his grace. He continues to allow it out of his GREAT love for us.

WAKE UP CALL

Watching a video from Highway video a question was asked who is Jesus?  The answers came.  "a great guy" .."a religious person who did allot of nice things" and then there was this reply of "you really do not want to know what I really..think...really"   As I heard this my heart sank.  Here is the creator of the world, savior over all.. King over all.    Imagine these are replies that most ordinary people would not like said about them.  Sure many of the more zealous types probably can make up for it and the more undecided yet plastically hip can say well Jesus is my Homie to what and who's benefit I do not know.

THE NECESSISTY OF RESPONSIBILITY

I then had to turn to the one who is responsible.  Definitely the one whom I am most responsible for.  Me.  Trust me this is not a introverted idea. This not fleshly its merely taking responsibility and realizing how much further I have to go.  Its humility that I would hope with this sometimes deceiving heart of mine is true. Do I still praise him like I used to?  Do I give him honor for all he has done in my life?  Do I think about him the same as when I was first saved (we first met)?  Like the eventful fireworks do I sit in awe of his glorious splendor would that comparison seem but feeble to his glory?  Now the even harder question.  How do I live my life to show others and more importantly to just live (not a spectacle)
that what I believe is the truth of God. The entirety of his word in its completeness.  Sometimes though we find this place of comfort were we are no longer being challenged and then we sink back to our nature.  The me era. I need a new car, a better phone, a more convenient job, better friends or more friends. Yet what have we done with what we have.  How have we acted?

Do I judge others wrongfully?
Do I lie, slander or cheat?
Have I held grudges against others?
Have I gossiped about others?
Do I have much pride?

As I begin to go through this laundry list of things it can seem almost
futile. Thank God for his Grace but does that leave me with "NO" responsibility.
Surely not.  It leaves me with more. But the responsibility is to put it in him and to live through him.

PLACE FIRST WHATS FIRST.

In the greatest honesty I can muster.  The lousy self that I can be at times cannot compare to who God is.  yet I hold so much of my life in front of him.  For instance birthdays, iphones, vacations, my time, house, boat  Facebook. Do they come first or last and if these things are but mere to him then why do I then place such a priority over them. I think as Christians we at times fool ourselves.  God knew this because he states in his words those who have ears hear.  It was as if the implication of
hearing must come by the actual desire to ear in understand that hearing not just a physical thing but I believe both mind and spirit. With our thoughts on him and our heart in him filtered by his word as our Guide.

You see this is why we cannot just do it with our hearts. as I stated earlier our hearts are deceiving above all things and if we use our hears it would be like using an old dirty, moldy water filter to filter our water and expect it to be clean. Isn't it amazing that when we trust our hearts is when we are usually hurt the very most?  This I believe is also why God says that at the end draws near
that we "must gather together as believers" MORE as that day approaches.  The end will be a time of GREAT deception and Distraction you will not be able to do it on your own.

We are living in a time of GREAT distraction.  Grave decisions, Governmental Turmoil..Final Destinations.

THE UPSIDE DOWN MIRROR

As a realist that I believe that I am at times I have to come to this conclusion.  We believe what we read, we profess what we believe sometimes with out of our mouths but do we with our actions.  I can honestly say for me that I have at many many times not.  This to me is alarming.  I would hope in my vulnerability here that others too would look at themselves objectively because here is what is Worthy of Praise. He does all things well.  Thats right "ALL" things.  His word does not say "SOME" things.  It say "ALL".

I am his all things so surely there is something wrong here?  Surely either I or he is wrong?  A few weeks ago I was talking with a friend and our Joking though funny got way out of hand.  He  said how come at times things that are so wrong seem so funny.  There is a time when I don't always know when it happens but it is when we realize that our words carry great meaning and great destruction both to
ourselves and to others.  It is only when we truly realize these things are not beneficial do we see the reason to no longer doing them.  It is when we are no longer at bondage to the law of do's and don'ts but freed by his grace through the law to know that we can do them but should we.

I'LL GLADLY PAY YOU TUESDAY FOR A BOWL OF SOUP TODAY

I want to grow more and more and if I think my growth has already found its resting place I will stop looking.  If I believe I have found all the treasures in his word I will stop hunting.  If I give up on this church I have left God himself.  If I give into this world I have exchanged my inheritance for a bowl of soup. A rather sickly bowl at that.

EMBRACING THE THORN OR THE ROSE

I have made some rather interesting observations in my time on this earth (which has been meager) all of which I found in the word of God and simple found in the world examples of those distractions and deceptions.  I have seen where people who do not embrace God has embraced either the devil
himself or have embraced something spiritual yet not God.  Spiritualism even Christian Spiritualism is a dark and deadly place.  Without the governing authority of God is can become a show rather quickly.  It can hurt others and turn others from the word of God.  It is a very dangerous thing.  It can satisfy the fleshly desire of experience in replacement for his presence.

Even if you are not a Christian you must profess this at
the very least. There is indeed a dark and deadly evil in
this world. Why pay om age to it why not decide now where
you are at? Why not at least realize that we cannot
continue to enjoy the plunder of the devil and remain free?

THE BEREAVEMENT OF ACHIEVEMENT

I know it must seem at times very very strange but to some this is foolishness to others this may be a fresh spring. There is something better than just achieving. Then getting better. Then having the record deal. Then being the best "    " , then having the most friends, going to the coolest
and biggest church, making there is something more to then making the choir team.  The life that we live that has a greater value than all.  Its the one thing to some of us that is the hardest to admit.  That we do not have it together and we are in desperate need of a Saviour.  As my Grandmother used to say "The Proof is in the pudding"  Its not about how big your house is or how physically fit you
may be its about so much more.  We have taken this wonderful life we have been given and applied meager things to it.

DECEIVED

We exchange the great things of God for the meager things of the world and then feel shamed, hurt and angry when the world turns on us.  When we feel attacked by people around
us with no place left for hope. Sometimes even when we are attacked by the people of the world in the church.   Or even when things are wonderful, we're racking in the money and somehow have forgotten the amazing Glory of our Father. This is what Glory is about. This is what Magnificence is
about. This is Majesty.  This is the greatness that most Christians gather on Sunday to celebrate.  That less celebrate daily, every day and every hour.  It may seem fanatical but really it is not.  It is no more fanatical then waiting hours for a concert to begin and camping out front in the freezing cold.  It is no more fanatical than spending your income on the latest and greatest phone or car.  It is no more
outrageous then spending an entire paycheck on July 4th celebrations or a loved ones funeral.  Perhaps its as crazy as putting your money into a financial system thats trillions of dollars in debt to
countries that hate them.  Expecting pardon? It is said the proper definition of lunacy is to do the same thing over and over expecting different results.

PERSPECTIVE AND PASSION (Our Passions Outline Us)

Our passions outline us.  That sometimes frame us as being this or that but we are not without them.  Some of us are even passionate about having no passions.  Which in itself is funny.  We can be very strange at times. We choose preference as a level of belief and think we have found an
answer when preference never found us an answer to begin with.  We tend to think that we can get it right if we just had another chance and in the same way give no one else a chance to prove themselves.  This is such a backwards world and we can sometimes be so backwards in it.

This is why when you choose to Live with Jesus outwardly there can be this idea that as you look at them or them at you that something is wildly upside down.  But take it from this passionate analytical restored to a place of peace. There is no peace in thinking you know.  There is more true peace in knowing that you do not and cannot and abandoning yourself to the one and only true God that knows and sees all.

This is really what it is about. Abandonment.  Dying to self to reveal the scandal of this world.
Your trying way too hard.  your putting your focus in the wrong areas. Turn your eyes to Jesus Look full in his wonderful face and things of the world will grow strangely dim in the light of his glory and grace.